How to Forgive Your Abuser So You Can Have Inner Peace
News flash! You can run away from your family…but you can’t escape the feelings you have for them.
Think about a time that a family member said something that hurt your feelings. Close your eyes, and tell the story to yourself as you re-mem-ber it! Now pay attention to your body…
How does this “story” make you feel?
Chances are you are now reliving the actual moments of your hurt! Your body can not differentiate between what is real and what is imagined…So you live the hurt all over again.
Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “In order to change the nature of family relationships, you’ll have to change your mind about them and consider that you are the source of the anguish in your relationships!” Yeah, YOU! That means, you don’t have to forgive the abuse, but in order to have the life you dream of you have to forgive the abuser!
The First mindful step is – recognize that negativity is hazardous to your health! Having negative feelings towards a family member doesn’t hurt them it only hurts you. It’s like carrying a back pack full of rocks and trying to run up hill…your head hurts, your heart races, and your body aches, all while the person you are angry with is going on about their day!
The Second mindful step is – Care more about you and less about them. Blame is an ugly game, and the only loser is you. Stop giving your power away! What they think about you is none of your business, it’s what you think about them that matters.
Think less about how they angered, hurt, or upset you, and consider not clinging to negative feelings. Dr. Phil says, Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
The Third mindful step is – You are who you are because of them not in spite of them…Instead of focusing on what your family member did to hurt you, consider all the things they have done to make you the person you are! Anger and Hurt can be great learning tools, if nothing else you can learn what you don’t want as well as what you do want!
At the end of the day…You are who you are because of everything that happened to you the good the bad and the ugly…and by GOD’S grace you are still here.
The Fourth mindful step is – Remember There are two sides to every story. I had a disagreement with a friend over twenty years ago. Life went on, I moved away, they moved away and life happened. But, somehow what happened didn’t go away, I would think of him from time to time but I would push the feelings down think about something else then move on!
As I really became more and more involved in this work I realized that I was not upset about what I was upset about. So I reached out to him, and what a surprise, my story did not match his recollection, nor did his story match mine. All these years, I’m thinking one thing and he was thinking another, and at the end of the day none of it mattered. He was a great friend to me and thank GOD I got my friend back!
Finding forgiveness with family or friends has no timeline. However, rest assured if this person matters the pain will never go away until you choose to forgive. Each time you think of that person or someone mentions they name you go right back to the feelings you have for them…You have to let it go, if not for them then for yourself. Regardless of whether they verbally forgive you or not, or whether you verbally tell them or not… you find closure once you forgive them.
Wayne Dyer says, “The key to having peace in all your family relationships is forgiveness. Your relatives are simply doing what they’ve been taught to do over a lifetime, and the lifetimes of many of their ancestors. Shower them with understanding and forgiveness from your heart.”
The Fifth mindful step – is the most important…Change the way you see the world and the world you see will change!
If you want love in your life, be the love you seek, if you want peace in your life be the peace you seek, if you want harmony with your family YOU become the harmony you seek.