Need a breakthrough?

need a breakthroughA Danish philosopher once said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forward.”  Now that I’m old enough to look back on my life…I see that the “breakdowns” in my life were leading me to “breakthroughs.”

If you need a breakthrough in your life, then I’m going to suggest that you embrace the breakdowns.

Over the next several weeks, I am going to share with you my personal “breakdown to breakthrough” moments in my life.  Because even when we think we have resolved certain issues in our lives (our past, our childhood, our relationships, etc), it really only takes a situation that triggers that “old stuff” and brings us right back to the pain of our past.

Forgiving ourselves doesn’t always mean that we have forgotten ourselves.  And even though some of the characters in our life story are dead and gone…the hurt and pain from those relationships remains tucked away just waiting for the right time and the right incident to bring that past hurt into our present reality.

When one becomes enlightened, then there is no past and forgiving is not an issue; however, most of us have not attained that level and so we have some work to do (myself included).

We know we need a breakthrough when old memories resurface (which are just there to show us that there is unhealed pain inside of us that needs to be processed and to come out.)

I have a writing tool that I use each and every day that I learned from Julia Cameron, author of The Artist Way and it’s called the morning pages.  In these pages I write about the wonderful life I’ve been blessed to have.  I know that consciousness and energy create the nature of my reality and in that reality I can create the life that I want as well as the life that I don’t want.  It is all created in my mind.  In other words, “IAM the master of my fate, IAM the captain of my destiny.”

What’s also interesting about writing is that I know I have a wonderful life!  I go where I want to go and do whatever I want to do…in fact most people might say that I have it really good (including me).

It is safe for me to say that I don’t get depressed or down on myself too often, but when I do, I really go down!  It’s like everything becomes personal,  I question everything  I think I am, everything I’ve done and haven’t done, all my failures and I minimize the the good things in  life.

Can you relate?

Sadly, you never know when something or somebody will trigger that repressed memory and pain that brings it all back to the surface.

I want to get real with you because I want to finally get it all up and out.  And I encourage you to do the same through journaling, therapy, or sharing with a safe friend whom you can share you inner most feelings with…without feeling judged or diagnosed.  For me personally, I need to do this “releasing” to get rid of those old memories that continue to get in my way of my dreams and goals!

I’ve been a Minister and a writer for a very long time and consequently, I’ve spent a lot of time researching the pros and cons of religious and spiritual principles.  I have worked for and been mentored by the best!  I have spoken to and interviewed many a truth seeker, but you know what?  As Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz…if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard,” and when you have lived long enough and experienced enough you don’t have to go very far to get your lessons.

I share stories and observations with you to give you sense of direction in seeking your own truth, and to let you know that you are not alone.

Everyone experiences these breakdown moments in life because it is a wake up call that something inside of us needs healing.  When we embrace those breakdowns, then we often have a breakthrough.  That’s when we can see life more clearly and things we experience make sense.

l find it difficult to share my inner most feelings without feeling judged or diagnosed.  As a Minister it is challenging because I am supposed to be ministering others.  So the question becomes “Who Minister’s the Minister?”

Are you the “minister” of your family or are you constantly trying to diagnose and fix your friends problems?  What about you?

The Minister is expected to diagnose and/or fix other peoples’ problems even when they have problems that need fixing too!

I feel like the Biggest Loser…

Do you ever feel like a loser?  Just wake up and wonder what the heck is happening and why your life is not turning out the way you planned!  Do you ever think that you are over something only to have someone say something that sends you right back into the abyss of despair.

Well that happened to me this weekend.  I woke up and felt like the “Biggest Loser” and not because I needed to lose physical weight, but because I felt like I had not achieved what I wanted to in my life.

I escape my demons by hiding or running away from them, however, I know how quickly those old wounds can surface when I least expect them.

The meltdown began when I accidentally found my very first boyfriend on Facebook recently.  He is the “boy” I had my first hug, my first kiss, and my first heart throb with…and we were in the fourth grade!  My mother really liked him because he was from a “good” catholic family.

Not long after we became “boyfriend and girlfriend” his parents decided to move to Washington, DC.  In those days that was like moving to New York or California, the chances were we would never see each other again.  So in a very short time, I learned about affection and rejection.  I don’t consider this a rejection or a break up because he moved out of town, but not out of my heart!

I tried to find him over years with no luck.  Then, with advances in technology and social media outlets and a bit of luck I found him!  It was a throw-back Thursday on Facebook and there he was commenting on another friends post…I could hardly believe it!  Of course I immediately messaged him asking if he remembered me.  And when he wrote back he said of course he remembered me.  He reminded me of a few things that I had long since forgotten or at least tucked away in the “I don’t need to deal with anymore file!”

He asked me about my brother, he said that he heard he had passed away and he would like to know what happened to him, if it was not too painful for me to talk about!  Why would it be hard or painful for me to talk about after all my brother died twenty plus years ago.

As I began to talk about my brother, in the very few lines of the message box; that’s when my “stuff” started to resurface.   I told him that my brother was an alcoholic and I didn’t think he had really ever gotten over my mother’s death and he ultimately drank himself to death.  Then I told him that my mother died pretty much the same way, — an alcoholic who drank herself to death pining over a man who never loved her (my Father)!  My feelings became deeper and more intense, and as I said in the few lines of a message box, I was facing the pains of my past all over again.

I told him I hated my mother for so long because I thought she was weak and never really cared about me or my brother, all she cared about was my father, who never ever loved her.

Then came the trigger, he said, “Don’t hate your mother!”  What the H*^!, Who was he to say that to me?  After all, he didn’t know what I had gone through.  I almost said screw you and ended the message, but something inside motivated me to continue the conversation.   He then said, he really loved my mother, and that she went through a lot with my father, who had a real mean streak!

This grown man was now reverting back to his childhood and sharing his memories and recalling the things my father said and did to him.  He said, your father didn’t like me and told me so, he even told me never to come back to your house to play with you or your brother, and I never did!  I thought it was about him moving away was the reason we broke up, it was my father that chased him away.

I became that little girl all over again.  These feelings of that hurt little girl surfaced in that very moment and I felt like a loser all over again.

So what is the moral of the story?

The moral of the story is that I am seeking out a good therapist right now to heal the deep pain of my past and to process it because I know deep in my heart, it is blocking the flow of love and prosperity into my life.  I’m ready to remove that energy so I can move forward.

If you need a breakthrough, then don’t be afraid when you’re having a breakdown.  Just don’t wallow in self pity, but “observe without condemnation” and get the help you need.  Maybe a good therapist, maybe some deep journaling, maybe expressing your feelings with a good friend.

We all have pain from our past, but in order to move forward we need to get it out.

Thanks for listening!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.