This culture traditionally differentiates between the have and the have not’s based on race, religion, what you do, where you live, where you go to school, who your daddy is, what kind of work he does, is your mom a stay at home mom or does she “have” to work? Blame and shame is a dangerous game that so often has nothing to do with your ability and everything to do with your pedigree.
Most of you have developed your belief systems not only from what you mom or dad tell you but also from what you see in and around your household. Emotional abuse is the subtle, insidious breaking down of the spirit. In some studies it has been determined that emotional abuse is equal to or greater than physical abuse because the emotional scars can’t be seen by the naked eye.
The trouble with the game of shame is that it has two affects, 1) you either succumb to the abuse by turning towards destructive things or 2) you become driven to prove that you are worry or that you can do anything in spite of what others think.
My father told me at a very young age that I was abnormal, that I would never amount to anything, and that I would end up just like my mother. It has been suggested that my success has been based on discrediting my father’s theory rather than enjoying the work I was destined to do. It was a constant battle living in the house. The problem was…that intimidation didn’t work on me, it only made me more determined. In fact, contrary to what my father proposed, I was much more like him than I was like my mother. And that really pissed him off.
What is hard to admit is a lot of what he said was true. Where I found comfort in competition, I did incorporate many of my mother’s patterns. Using money to buy friends, looking for love in all the wrong places, getting pregnant before I got married fortunately my drug of choice was not whiskey, it was acceptance.
Anger and hate can be a strong motivating factor as well as the driving force in the zero to six year old mind. It surfaces and manifests itself in a myriad of ways. Personally, the anger fueled me to be the best at everything I did, just so I could thumb my nose at my father. I couldn’t say anything to him but I could sure show him, that he couldn’t manipulate or control me. Or at least that is what I thought!
Khalil Gilbran says:
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”
If you are willing to reverse the sentiments of this poem you get a clearer understanding of who you are and what you are destined to do. In other words, you are not your parents, nor do you belong to them. You are GOD longing to manifest itself through you. It is not for you to be like them, nor strive to incorporate their habits. For your life does not reflect their past, but the promise of an uncertain future, yours for the creating! It took me a long, long time to get that message; unfortunately, after many years of mental and emotional abuse.
Finally the hardheaded resolution came and the questions answered. Did I want to be angry with my father for the rest of my life? Did I want to punish my mother for caring more about my father than her children? Did I want to spend the rest of my life blaming them for the shame I felt growing up? Or, did I want to understand their shame. You see shame is a dangerous game and it doesn’t skip a generation. Everybody has it and everybody displays their shame in a different way. The question is are you willing to get inside of your shame and clarify it, understand it, and learn from it, or do you want to hold onto it like a badge of (dis)courage?
The Hardheaded are masters at this game, because they learn how to blame others in order to mask their own shame. The Obstinate blow off their shame by convincing themselves and others that they are masters of the universe, and what they say is covered in gold. The Inflexible are just that, theirs is the truth the whole and nothing else but the truth SO HELP ME GOD!
As Khalil states, your children are not your children. Therefore your parents are not your parents! And by the grace of GOD and through their approval they provided a way for you to enter into this world to fulfill the mission GOD has chosen for you. This is a gift to you. My mother got pregnant out of wedlock; she could have had an abortion, my father had to marry her although he could have skipped town, and even though he didn’t love her, they were the instrument that gave me life, and for that I am grateful!
There is a way to neutralize blame and shame! It is through your kindness! This is really hard for the hardheaded! Acquiescing to kindness is not typically in their playbook, especially when their impulse is to attack before they are attacked.
Consider this, the next time someone has something negative or demeaning to say to you, think about what is most important; is it better for you to engage and return the insult. You see the blame and shame game is only effective if you decide to play. You must accept shame as a reality in order to make it your truth. Remember the ole saying, “Just because you say it, don’t make it so.” Or sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!
These are the lessons from the Hardheaded, and they come to you will with or without your permission. The hardheaded will always give better than it gets. And the hardheaded will teach you can in your pleasure or through your pain! Truth be told, no matter what has happened to you or for you, what is most important is the lesson and your understanding, that it is only through your willingness to play the game that the game can be played and won!
Finding forgiveness even if you are obstinate or hardheaded is to remember, what you do unto others will be done to you. The best reason to find forgiveness and return to love is the law of attraction, because what you put out, you will get back!
A Course in Miracles states, “Forgiveness is the means by which we will remember.” (The good, the bad, and/or the ugly!) “Through forgiveness the thinking of the world is reversed. The forgiven world becomes the gate to heaven, because by its mercy we can at last forgive ourselves. Holding no one prisoner to guilt, we become free!
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